By Student Reporter
Now that Rob Livingstone will soon be deposed and the press (read: The Cadre) no longer has to fear his KGB assassins, we are finally at liberty to explain why all Free Students of UPEI should rise up and impeach the President.
1. Rob Livingstone, traitor to the State, is first and foremost a major in chemistry. Chemistry, a science formerly known as alchemy, is indistinguishable from magic. If this is not an impeachable offense, we should at least be able to try him for witchcraft.
2. Livingstone agreed to continue to burden the free peoples of UPEI with student fees for the UPEI health plan, unlike former Mount Royal University Student Union President Meghan Melnyk, who robbed a bank instead. I mean Christ! This is Canada we live in. We don’t pay for healthcare! That’s why we kick ass in the first place.
3. He has not had any sex scandals, which is itself scandalous.
4. Livingstone has claimed to be able to shuffle, though he has repeatedly declined to demonstrate such skill in public.
5. Other members of the Student Union executive have reported seeing goat horns hidden beneath his luscious, luscious hair.
6. He is active in anarcho-communist circles.
7. He stopped returning my calls after I filed a police report saying he had broken and entered into my house, downloaded all of Justin Bieber’s music onto my laptop, and eaten the last of my roommate’s ice cream.
8. Despite having the muscles of Thor, he did not help any of our sports teams (figuratively literally or literally literally) crush the competition.
9. Ever since Ben chose Courtney on the Bachelor, I’ve really just lost faith in humanity, and nothing really restores it like a good ol’ impeachment.
10. Because my order of Rob Livingstone complacency picket signs was misprinted from “I’m peachy, Rob!” to “Impeach Rob!” (The bastards didn’t even remember the oxford comma.)